A Momentary Lapse of Reason
by Elijah Carroway
Summary: Jim Kirk was a strong man. He could easily handle the orders thrown into the face of every Starfleet captain and the stress of commanding the crew of the USS Enterpise. If only he was strong enough to tell Spock how he really feels.
1. Chapter 1

AN: **This is my first attempt at fanfiction so I apologize in advance if the characters end up being OOC or if this is downright horse poo. Regardless of that fear, enjoy. Also, short intros are short.**_  
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James T. Kirk believed in many things. He believed in Starfleet, in what was left of his family, in things like home and honor. He believed in his crew, from the bridge to medbay to engineering. They were his life, his heart. He believed in saving them, protecting them. Sacrifice was yet another aspect. Jim also believed in the comfort of the stars and the universe around them. He believed in all this so it was a shame really, that he didn't believe in himself.

There had been many cruel words, too many bruises. A child may withstand only so much until they break. Jim was broken. A mother who hurt him because he just looked too much like a father he never knew. And if he cried, the excuse for a stepdad would hurt him even worse. The children at school, they saw the scars and they would make more. Jim carried them, the words and the scars for a long time. The aching loneliness and sadness, that failure stayed with him until he met Lt. Uhura. It wasn't Jim's fault he was promiscuous, that was just how Jim coped with the loneliness. Then Cupcake punched his face in and Pike gave him hope. I suppose hope was another thing Jim believed in.

A rather important one, in fact. Jim had never known he was broken until Spock had fixed him. Fixed him with his calm, his cool exterior that held so much care. Spock was an anchor, he didn't change. He was Jim's world, even if Jim didn't want to depend on someone. They always left and that always hurt.

Jim stood on the edge of the universe and yet no one knew he was terrified of falling.

So Jim hid behind his wall of faux confidence and his lies. Spock wouldn't know, that was for sure. Because as much as Jim believed in love and in Spock, he did not believe in himself.

A shame indeed. A brilliant, caring person that had been thrown mercilessly into a world where kindness and intelligence was not nearly enough. A fragile life with that fragile beginning was suppressed now by a love so strong that Jim could not merely look in Spock's direction. He would chance a glance, only to feel so weak in the knees he would be reduced to falling without grace into the captain's chair.

Jim knew of two things for absolute certain. He believed in his love for Spock. He did not believe in himself.

A strange predicament Jim found himself in. Jim, a man so brave that he could easily face a ship full of Romulans without blinking an eye yet too scared to tell the man he loved that he loved him. Maybe it's silly to you, this fear. But have you been hurt past the point of repair? If so, maybe you understand. Jim didn't want the only person he actually needed to leave him.

Spock was different, this he knew. Spock wouldn't just stop being Spock because Jim cared for him, would he? Wasn't their friendship enough? Or would it ever become bearable to just sit there lying to Spock? A endless loop of questions with no answers.

This is a story of hope. A story about a strong man and a strong love. It is a story of Jim and his undying love for Spock.

If only it was unspoken.

AN: **Okay, I hope you aren't cringing. Leave me a review and I'll give you a cookie. Update soon.**


	2. Chapter 2

AN: **Thanks to everyone that reviewed, I really appreciate it. *gives cookie* Now, enjoy the first chapter.**

The captain of the Enterprise sat fidgeting in the chair. He couldn't stop moving, adjusting his position once more and letting out a quiet sigh. The past month had been so uneventful that the crew was rather bored. Jim could not exclude himself from those affected by the lack of action.

Jim looked around the bridge, eyeing everyone's sullen expressions. He needed something to happen right now. An attack from an alien vessel, a summons from Starfleet, a distress call from a fellow ship, anything. Hell, even a breakdown in Engineering might be welcome if he thought that it would wipe the boredom from the crew's faces.

They had been on the five-year mission for half a year now and the only event worth mentioning was a small incident in which a governor on a foreign planet had taken an instant dislike to Jim therefore not allowing the crew to chart the planet. Jim supposed this was yet another occurrence in which his brash attitude had been less than helpful.

There was one person that this lull between events had no effect on. This person was one Commander Spock. He simply carried on doing whatever it was that Spock did with no change in his Vulcan exterior. While intelligent, Jim lacked the common knowledge of things similar to his First Officer's job description.

Now that Jim pondered the thought, Spock tended to be an exception to most aspects in his life. Ah, that. It seemed every one of these monotonous shifts left Jim's mind whirring with his feelings for Spock. It filled Jim with dread to know that he was sitting there thinking about his love for Spock when the Vulcan was only a number of steps away.

Jim reached a hand up to his throbbing temple. He had once again, without avail, attempted to push away the unwanted thoughts. All his mind was focusing on was Spock's behavior recently. Spock had been acting a little odd around him, avoiding his gaze and not engaging in conversation over their evening chess games.

Perhaps Jim had been too flirtatious as of late and Spock had seen through it to his real intentions. No, not possible. Whatever was throwing the man off, it wasn't Jim's flirting. Jim wanted to snort at the very idea for crossing his mind. Jim flirted with most everyone, it was just his way. It just so happened Spock wasn't an exception to this rule.

The sound of giggling broke Jim from his thoughts and Jim glanced up to notice his pilot, Lieutenant Sulu, and his navigator, Ensign Chekov, were engaged in a conversation in which something was clearly funny. Jim felt his heart ache a little, he wished that Spock and him could have that easy going of a relationship. He continued to see their happiness as Chekov turned in his seat to check something or another with a large, dopey smile on his face. Sulu chuckled once more, shaking his head and grinning.

Jim suddenly remembered something that Nyota had mentioned to him a few weeks prior. She had said that the two had announced the romantic implication of their relationship to her on the pretext of wanting to have at least one trusted friend to know. Jim remembered smiling and telling Uhura that maybe she had been the wrong friend to choose. She had responded by hitting him rather hard.

Now, however, the meaning of their confession affected him more than it had upon hearing it. The fact that they were romantically involved had not given Jim too much surprise. They had been very close friends and had never made a fuss when someone assumed the two to be dating. No, this was not what troubled Jim. His troubles laid in the fact that he wanted what they had. It was simple. What Chekov and Sulu had, Jim wanted with Spock.

He wouldn't ever have it though, couldn't. There was a small voice in the back of his brain telling Jim that he might be able to, that there might be a chance. It was worth a try, to be able to have Spock's love in return. And God, he wanted that more than anything in the world. The only problem with this was the fact that Jim was terrified of rejection. If the admission of his love scared Spock away, he would lose everything.

Jim couldn't lose Spock, he needed him like the air he breathed. If being Spock's friend was all he got, then that was that.

As Jim continued to wonder over all of this, he suddenly felt a cool hand on his shoulder and almost jumped out of his skin.

"Jesus, Spock! Don't sneak up on me like that!" Jim cried, shifting in the chair for what was probably the thousandth time to look at Spock's always impassive face.

"I apologize Captain, I did not wish to cause you distress nor was my approach to you intended to be "sneaking" in its manner. However, I only came to alert you of the fact that your shift is over." The smooth, flat baritone never wavered causing Jim to sigh yet again before standing and stretching. He hated how much that voice affected him. Jim always felt a certain warmth bloom in his chest upon hearing it and cursed Spock for the vulnerable state he was rendered to around the Vulcan.

"Really, already?"

"Affirmative, Captain. Your shift is indeed over."

"Well, I guess time flies when you're having fun," came Jim's dry reply. A few snickers here and there issued around the bridge. Spock merely raised an eyebrow, letting the sarcasm of the human expression fly over his head before moving around Jim to ask Chekov a question about the course of navigation.

Jim watched Chekov twitter away happily in his thick Russian accent for a moment before shaking himself and turning to head towards the lift. Once inside, Jim leaned his head against the cool wall and awaited his arrival. He quickly decided to visit Medbay; his headache was slowly subsiding into the dull pain of a migraine.

He also wanted to talk to his Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Leonard McCoy, about his predicament. Jim hadn't told anyone of his less-than-professional feelings towards his First Officer but he trusted Bones, as Jim called him, enough to keep it a secret. Not that Bones would share, he wasn't exactly the gossiping type.

Right as Jim smirked at that thought, the lift doors sprung open and spit Jim into Medbay where he was promptly greeted by the gruff sound of his best friend's voice.

"Dammit, Jim! I don't have all damn day to talk to you, there are actual sick people here. This is a sickbay, you do realize that don't you, you selfish bastard?" While this may have seemed harsh to outsiders, Jim knew that Bones considered him a close friend and this type of greeting had a certain underlying affection that only Bones managed to convey.

"Yeah, I know. I'm not as stupid as I look," Jim paused as he moved to sit on one of the near hospital beds, "But I'm not feeling so well so if you don't mind...could you give me a hypo? This headache is a real pain in the ass and I want to be able to actually rest before next shift." Jim then watched as Bones' eyes bulged out of his head and his eyebrows popped up to his hairline.

He gaped silently for a moment before exploding, "Jim Kirk, the most whiny, infantile man I've ever met, willingly asking for a hypospray? God help us all!" This was spoken as a hypo flew out of nowhere, jabbing mercilessly into Jim's neck.

Jim groaned, rubbing the offended area. He was considering asking where the hell it had come from but refrained from doing so when he realized he did not wish to know. What if he just kept those damn things on him at all times?

Bones simply rolled his eyes and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like the word "infant".

Jim responded with a mumbled, "Asshole" before going to get up. Bones threw an arm out to stop him. Jim gave him a questioning look and Bones cleared his throat.

"Look, I know how much you hate those things. Something bothering you, kid?" Normally, Jim would've just cast his friend's concern aside with a joke and a smile but found that today he couldn't lie.

He stayed silent for a minute before, "C'mon Jim, no snappy comeback? What's gotten into you?"

"I'm in love."

This had been blurted it out. Jim's face slowly turned into a mess of red embarrassment and he looked away.

"With who?" It had been spoken softly and Jim appreciated the serious nature that Bones was handling with this with.

However, when Jim didn't reply Bones said, "As long as it's not me. I don't think I could quite handle that much from you, Jim." The grimace that followed this statement dissolved Jim into a bout of laughter strong enough to have tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Okay, not me then. Hey, settle down, Jim! It wasn't that funny!"

Finally, Jim's laughter ebbed away.

"Sorry, Bones. Haven't really laughed in awhile. It's tough being in love." The last part had been meant to be humorous but instead Jim's voice broke off weakly.

"Well, kid? Who is it?" Bones looked ready to stick another hypo in his neck so Jim decided to stop avoiding the question and just answer.

"Uh, you'll laugh." Hey, he'd tried.

"Dammit Jim, just-"

"No." So much for this going well.

"I hope whoever this person is, they can handle your shit."

Jim went back to silence.

"Jim, you can tell me. It's pretty clear this is important to you and-"

"Fine! It's Spock, okay! It's Spock." And waiting for the onslaught...

"WHAT? WHEN? How long! I don't..." What had started with a roar ended in sputters until, "Are you fucking with me, Jim?"

"No! I am one hundred percent certain of this. I promise you that, Bones. I promise you."

Bones didn't say anything for a long time and Jim decided to just let him handle it.

Finally, "I don't think you could've picked a worse person to fall in love with, Jim. This is the green-blooded hobgoblin we're talking about here."

Jim smiled softly at the insult and Bones just grumbled, shaking his head. Jim's expression at his mention of Spock had turned alarmingly gooey.

"Jesus, Jim. You're so fucked."

"Yeah, Bones. I'm in deep shit."

Most people wouldn't have been quite so grim discussing love but love did not come easy to either of these men.

They sat in a companionable silence for awhile, each lost in their own thoughts. Bones studied Jim's face, he wore an expression of anguish. This pained Bones to no end, he hated when Jim was hurt.

Upon noticing there was also a hint of exhaustion, he told Jim to get out of his sight and go get some sleep.

"Aye, aye, Captain," Jim said, winking. He left with a wry smile. He walked blindly through the ship to his quarters, his body on autopilot and his mind preoccupied.

There would always be more time to discuss this, to answer all of the questions but for right now, Jim only wished to sleep and forgot he was hopelessly in love with someone that couldn't return it.

While intelligent, Jim lacked the common knowledge of things similar to Spock's mutual love.

AN: **I bet you weren't expecting that. Well, hope you liked it thus far. If you have, maybe you could tell me all about it in a review? That sure would be nice. Update soon.**


	3. Chapter 3

AN: **I'm back with the next Spirky installment. This was written during a sudden burst of inspiration, so I am sorry for any errors. I'd like to thank you all for the favs, follows, and reviews. It means a lot and keeps me going.  
**

Jim blinked owlishly upon waking, eyes straining against the light flooding his quarters. He yawned and curled on to his side before lowering the lighting considerably. Burrowing deeper into the blankets and nuzzling his nose into the pillow, Jim felt completely relaxed. He was thankful for it, this day off was needed.

Bones had been a pain since becoming aware of Jim's feelings towards Spock, never letting the subject drop. That had been a couple of days ago.  
What does it matter? I love him, Jim had said exasperatedly, I don't see why knowing when I found out matters. But after hearing Bones' indignant cries, he grudgingly told him.

...

After the incident with Khan, the two had grown impossibly close. They were inseparable, their friendship unbreakable. Sharing meals, sparing in the gym, chess in the evenings.

For Jim, he needed someone there to reaffirm that he was indeed alive.

For Spock, he needed to reaffirm that Jim was indeed alive.

Together, they needed one another.

Jim remembered the exact moment that he knew.

It was two months into the five-year mission and Jim had been standing in front of the bridge's viewing screen when he felt the familiar presence of the Vulcan coming to stand beside him. Jim had looked to the side and smiled when it happened. Spock had spared him a mere glance and a nod of the head when Jim's whole world had come to a stop.

It shook him, the number of memories flitting through his head.  
Spock over a chess game, the small smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. The relief of seeing Spock after saving him from the volcano. A quiet laugh Jim had once elicited from Spock one afternoon on a tropical planet documenting foreign wildlife. The video he had watched shortly after awakening of Spock beating Khan within an inch of his life for him. All the times in which Spock at had raised that eyebrow at Jim's illogical behavior.

And, suddenly, Spock beyond the glass.

Crying for him, feeling for him, then kissing him goodbye.

These memories were all hitting Jim at once, in one singular moment.

He couldn't think straight, couldn't dare to process the amount of what he was feeling. His reasoning was gone, all lost.

It was in this momentary lapse of reason, that Jim realized he loved Spock with every fiber of his being.

Jim remembered coming back around, seeing Spock looking at him with a hint of concern in his human eyes. Jim had fled, hurriedly giving the conn to Sulu and barely making it to the lift before breaking down.

He was in love with his best friend. His best friend, his first officer, a Vulcan for fuck's sake. Not only that, Spock was dating Nyota Uhura, a lieutenant on board. Could he had even found a worse person to fall in love with?

Jim was suddenly crying, sobs wracking his body. Somehow he had managed to make it to his quarters. He blindly navigated through his tears, hardly getting to the bed, crashing into the desk and other things along the way.

He collapsed, still sobbing. Jim had never cried this way for anything, for anyone. Not when his mother had beaten him, when his brother had left him. Not that Jim blamed Sam, his stepfather had been done unspeakable things to him. Sam left for a reason, and had Jim gotten the same kind of looks from Frank, he would have found a way to leave too. Of course, Jim was not good enough for that. Too weak, too pathetic. Jim remembered the shame that he felt after hearing that.

He had been living in fear for weeks after Sam had left, avoiding Frank more than usual. Then Frank had spit at him, declared him unworthy, and Jim had felt both relief and self hatred.

Jim had wept for hours when a knock at the door interrupted him. He shakily got to his feet and met Lt. Uhura at the entry. He cringed under the weight of her concerned stare. This was the last person, next to Spock of course, that Jim wanted to see.

The worst part of this was that Nyota and Jim had grown to be rather good friends after the events that transpired because of Khan. She had been the only person he had felt comfortable talking about his PTSD with. Nyota had helped greatly, eventually helping the worst of it go away. The panic attacks had subsided and Jim started to eat again. Now, only the nightmares remained.

Nightmares of Khan killing Bones, Spock, Scotty, everyone he loved and held dear. Crushing their heads, shooting them, murdering them all in cold blood. These dreams haunted him and they would for a long time.

"Jim? Are you alright? It's just, you're technically still on duty and everybody's pretty worried about the way you left. If you can't do it, Leonard can always come down here give you a hypo," Nyota said.

Jim had felt awful, filled with guilt. He didn't deserve her soft words, her friendship.

"Yeah...no, actually," Jim paused, looking away, before continuing, "I have a terrible headache. Tell everyone I'm sorry, I didn't want to worry anyone. There's no need to call Bones, I think I'll just go to sleep. Thanks for coming, though."

She nodded, then said, "Okay, let me know if you need anything. You can always talk to me, Jim. You know that."

Nyota then gave him a smile and turned on her heel to go to the lift, her ponytail bouncing.

Jim sighed miserably and wandered aimlessly back to the bed to try and sleep away his love for Spock.

It didn't work.

...

For the next four months, Jim treaded carefully around Spock. While he felt that he wasn't being too oblivious, he still worried. Their friendship suffered through this, a distance put between them.

These months had been agony, nothing going. No missions and no change with Spock.

One thing happened aboard the Enterprise that Jim took an interest to. Last week Nyota and Spock had ended their relationship and the reason was unbeknownst to everyone.

It was with this that Spock stopped looking Jim in the eye and talking much less. It left Jim to wonder why the seemingly happy, perfect relationship had been terminated. He hoped he was not the cause, he had an irrational fear that he had something to do with it.

Jim rolled out of bed, feebly crashing his way to the floor. He grunted and moved to sit up. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and sighing, Jim stood. With a blanket wrapped around his shoulders he wandered into the bathroom that he shared with Spock.

He looked around, curious to the fact that the mess that was constantly inhabiting this bathroom was always by his fault. Spock kept his counter flawlessly clean, all his things neat in his drawers whereas Jim's clothing was scattered on the floor and toothpaste streaks marked his sink.

Their differences in personality always fascinated Jim. While Spock was a wall of sound logic, Jim was a ball of human energy and foolishness. While there was no denying that the two were polar opposites, the way in which they fit together was astounding. The balance between them worked wonderfully and it was with this that they were able to defeat the likes of Nero and other villains threatening Earth.

Jim looked in the mirror and flinched. He looked, well, he looked bad to say the least. Was this what love did you? Unrequited love, he supposed. The bags under his eyes were deep and purple, his skin flushed an angry red from all the crying he had been doing recently, and an utter look of hopelessness was plastered across his once handsome face. Now, Jim just looked sad. Very sad and very lost.

He dropped the blanket draping his shoulders and moaned, bereft, at his thin body. Jim's once muscular form had wasted away from his stress over Spock and the lingering worry from PTSD. Jim did not look like the man he once was. He was a different person now.

Jim allowed his mind to imagine a life where Spock loved him back. This hurt unbearably so he stopped.

After Jim showered and brushed his teeth, he dressed and went down to the cafeteria where he was greeted by Bones.

"I got news for you, Jim."

"Oh yeah? Good or bad? Tell me it's good, I don't think I can handle bad news right now," Jim said cautiously.

"It's good for us, bad for them. This planet Malaco that we're docked at asked for us to assist them. They've got this war going on and they need our help," Bones said this gleefully, a look of sadistic happiness on his face. It reminded Jim of the look Bones got when he was preparing a hypo.

"Why is this so good for us?" Jim said, grabbing a plate of food from the replicator and sitting at a nearby table. Bones sat down across from him and promptly exploded.

"WHY? Because, Jim, this mission has been dead for months now. We finally have something!" Bones cried, anguished.

"Alright, alright. When do we beam down?" Jim raised his hands defensively before beginning to eat.

"Tomorrow, you still have today off."  
"Oh, right."

"Yeah. Hey, Jim? Can I ask you something?" Bones looked like he was dealing with a dangerous animal.

"Well, Bones, you just did so yeah, go ahead. Ask another."

A sigh from Bones then, "Did Nyota tell you why they ended it?"

Jim paused, a little shocked by the inquiry. He responded with the negative and waited for Bones to continue.

"Right, well. Nyota, she told me that the reason that Spock and her broke up is because she thinks he doesn't love her anymore. She thinks that he loves someone else." The amount of care that Bones said this with was necessary as Jim responded.

"WHAT? WHO?" Jim was shouting at this point and Bones waited for him to stop before hissing the answer.

"It's you, you idiot. For God's sake, Jim. Who else would it be?"

"No. No way, Bones. How could you possibly know that?" Jim was panicking, this couldn't be true. He had spent the few months a hundred percent certain that Spock could not care for him and here Bones was, telling Jim that he Spock loved him. _Loved him._

"Jim, I think everyone knows it. If you could see the way you two look at each other, it'd be pretty clear to you that the both of you are hopelessly enamored with one another," Bones said smugly.

Jim honestly wanted to rip his hair out. Two days ago, his biggest worry was simply telling Bones how he felt about Spock. That was it. No planet in need, no knowledge of the fact that he was probably the only person that didn't know that Spock was in love with him.

Groaning, Jim stood up.

"I need to find Spock."

"Wise choice, Jim. It's probably your best bet," Bones said with heavy sarcasm. Jim rolled his eyes before retorting.

"Oh, shut up. I'll talk to you later."

Walking towards the hall, he heard Bones saying something about how Jim was going to have to tell him about how this latest chapter in stupidity goes.

Jim left the lunchroom to go towards the lab. He was going to get to the bottom of this. He really hoped that Bones knew what he was talking about.

Once in the lab, Jim looked around. He saw the familiar pair of pointed ears and his legs turned to jelly.

Jim gulped, striding forward. He wanted nothing more than to run back to his quarters and bury himself under every blanket he owned. More than that, Jim wanted to be loved in return.

So he stepped forward and lightly touched the shoulder of the person he loved. And as Spock turned to face him, one thought went through his head.

_Here goes nothing._

AN: **I hope y'all liked it. I'll just ask for another review here with the promise of electronic huggles in return. Update soon. Buh-bye, lovelies. Until next time.**


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